By Roz Warren and Janet Golden
Now that President Obama has endorsed gay marriage, it will soon become legal everywhere in America, including, of course, Sesame Street, which means Bert and Ernie can finally tie the knot! Their just signed pre-nup was leaked to us by a Muppet whose identity we’ve promised not to reveal, in return for a batch of warm chocolate chip cookies. We’ve learned that, should the couple ever break up:
Ernie will stay in the marital domicile on Sesame Street. Bert gets the condo on Avenue Q.
Bert gets the Streisand albums. The Scissors Sisters Cds go to Ernie.
The parties will share joint custody of the rubber ducky. The rubber ducky will go with Ernie on Thanksgiving and Christmas, and with Bert on Hanukah and Kwanzaa.
Bert gets to keep the diamond-encrusted unibrow waxing kit given to him by Ernie as an engagement gift.
All vertically striped shirts acquired during the course of the marriage go to Bert. All horizontally striped shirts go to Ernie.
Bert promises not to mention Ernie’s illegitimate child Elmo during interviews on “The View.“ Ernie will not interfere should Bert desire to join the cast of “The Real Househusbands of Sesame Street.”
Custody of the letters A, Q, H and W go to Bert. Custody of the numbers 2, 3, 7 and 9 go to Ernie.
Ernie will refrain from mentioning Bert’s therapy for OCD in connection with his out-of-control paperclip and bottle cap collecting, as well as his obsession with the letter W. Ernie will no longer be responsible for debts incurred by Bert in his pursuit of the perfect paperclip for his collection.
Song royalties, as well as the extensive collection of Muppet Porn, will be divided equally. (Except for “Fifty Shades of Felt,” which goes to Ernie’s mom.)
Sales of Muppet sex tapes to tabloids are strictly forbidden.
The parties will attend Kermit and Miss Piggy’s Fourth of July Barbecue on alternate years.
Both parties promise to treat each other with courtesy and respect, and, despite any relationship troubles they may have experienced there, to continue to tell others how to get to Sesame Street.
...Bert, on the other hand hahahahaha 1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control are not natural. 2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people cannot get legally married because the world needs more children. 3. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children because straight parents only raise straight children. 4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears’s 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful. 5. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and it hasn’t changed at all: women are property, Blacks can’t marry Whites, and divorce is illegal. 6. Gay marriage should be decided by the people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of minorities. 7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are always imposed on the entire country. That’s why we only have one religion in America.
9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage license. 10. Children can never succeed without both male and female role models at home. That’s why single parents are forbidden to raise children. 11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven’t adapted to cars or longer lifespans. 12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a “separate but equal” institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages will for gays & lesbians. (stolen from far too many places to cite accurately)
http://www.coachoutletima.com Coach Outlet Store Online http://www.coachoutletonlinest.com Coach Outlet Store Online